Extra Post: In the Silence

                                                         

                                                        Photo: The Yoga Ground

I have always been a self-dependent person. I tend to handle matters personally and I’m not too proud to admit that at times I overestimate my own limits. With that in mind my relationship with God has been one of give and take, and at times it has felt like a game of tug of war. I give just a little bit away to him but not too much that I can’t take it all back if it gets too uncomfortable, too vulnerable. 

To make matters worse, I hadn’t even realized that I was in this never-ending battle. That’s the thing about being in darkness, eventually your eyes adjust, and you forget that at once, it was hard to see. I have always suffered from anxiety. It is hard being a person who prefers to be in control and yet I am at times a slave to my own body. Growing up I came from a strong Baptist family of confident people who were always so sure and secure in their faith. I wasn’t supposed to struggle with my faith and with surrendering to God. 

I felt hopeless that I would never feel normal or see a way out. It wasn’t until I was having Bible study with a co-worker that a whole life’s worth of confusion finally clicked for me. I was telling my co-worker about struggles I was having with my faith, and I kept repeating the same phrases, “I’m working on it,” “I haven’t overcome that sin yet, but I’m working on it,” “I haven’t softened my heart to this person yet, but I’m working on it.” 

Finally, he interrupted me and said something I will never forget. He said “ Kamryan, I hear you saying you’ll work on it a lot, but have you ever thought about letting God work on it for you?” That sentence stopped me dead in my tracks. Before then, I had always thought of growth with God as an offering or a gift basket. For example, you recognize your problem, work on it intrinsically, and then give it all to God in a neat little bow for approval. Never to be dealt with again, from that point on you would be freed in him. Not once had I thought of arriving at his feet a complete and utter mess.

 That talk propelled my faith immensely. That same week I prayed for the Lord to break me. It was a scary prayer, but I felt like it was necessary, because I wanted to see personal growth within my spirit.  I asked him to simply use me and take me anywhere, because anything was better than dealing with all my stress and anxiety, all the weight of my salvation on my shoulders alone. I proceeded to have the worst week of my life. Everything became out of my control, and I still reached for the reigns of my own life even after I had surrendered to God. 

One night, I turned to scripture, and I found the verses Matthew 11:28-30 which says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yolk is easy and my burden is light.” I immediately broke down and cried the happiest tears, that verse spoke so deeply to me that I knew I was meant to read it at that moment. I felt like I could exhale for the first time in my life because I knew God would always be there to catch me. 

Since then, life has changed so much for me. I moved to college where I now live with people, I had no clue existed this time last year but have become very near to my heart. I will admit in the beginning it was difficult, I had never had to be around people who didn’t think and believe everything I did. 

After my first month here at High Point I was walking around campus just getting my thoughts together. I wanted to call someone and try to distract myself and shake this feeling I was having; however, I knew I just needed to sit and rest in it. As I walked down the promenade, I realized that I was standing outside the chapel. I thought the doors would be locked, so I didn’t attempt going in. Instead, I just sat outside on a bench. It was midnight, and I was alone with nothing but my thoughts. The fountains had just shut off leaving only the light sound of nearby crickets. It was in that silence that I felt God. 

I closed my eyes, and I just spoke to him. I let him know that I was scared and that I couldn’t promise perfection in the coming months as I navigated this new life, even though I knew he would never ask that of me. I prayed that I would always try, and that he would grant me strength.

Whenever I have felt broken God has always been there to comfort me. No matter how far away I strayed he would always be waiting there with loving arms. It is his boundless love that will always pull me out of darkness. Whenever I am feeling lost or if ever, I forget what his voice sounds like, I try to think back to those moments. In the silence, where it was just me and him and it always lets my heart know that everything will be okay.